Contents of My Head: Erranding Edition

Monday, being my day off from work each week, is the day I get stuff done.  You know: errands, appointments, and that sort of thing.  This past Monday, I made a trip to the city of Bangor to accomplish some items on my to-do list, including a routine doctor’s appointment and getting a haircut, among other things.  As is my nature, my mind kept up with a running list of questions during the day.  Here are some:

• What if people with obscene bumper stickers got caught in traffic in front of the president’s limousine or a motor coach full of nuns? Would they feel awkward?

• What good does it do you to wear a surgical mask over your mouth in the doctor’s waiting room, but not over your nose?

• Could this nurse who is squeezing this blood pressure cuff so damn tight actually beat me up if she wanted to?

• Why is the office staff so shocked when I volunteer to pay my insurance co-pay before my appointment?

• What awful things can be done to people who park in such a way as to take up two spaces?

• At what age does one stop receiving a reward sticker after having behaved well while getting one’s blood drawn?

• Do they secretly keep all the hair swept up off the floor at the hair cutting place and use it to make yarn or something?

• How gross would that be?

• How awful must it be to have a job where you are poking around strange people’s heads all day?

• When, exactly, was the “oversized t-shirt and stretch pants look” a powerful fashion statement?

• Does this lady cutting my hair appreciate that I chewed on an entire roll of wintergreen Certs just prior to my haircut, since I did eat a cheeseburger with onions for lunch?

• Is the hair-cutting lady trying to come up with a tactful way to recommend “Just for Men” hair dye to me?

• Why aren’t these kids in school?

• How brave does a guy have to be to let a stranger shave his face with a razor?

• Why is it that do they not let you see the menu items at the drive-thru until you are right in front of the speaker?

• How come the one thing I am looking for at the electronics store is seemingly the one thing that they do not happen to have in stock?

• Can I get this cheaper online?

• Why are those Christmas decorations still up?

• How come there are always several people standing directly in front of an item that I need to get?

• Why are some people apparently opposed to the use of soap?

• Or deodorant?

• Seriously, why aren’t these kids in school?

• Shouldn’t there be a law about people wearing shorts when the temperature is below freezing?

• How am I supposed to know in which lane to drive if the paint is worn off the road and there is no sign?

• Why do I never, ever, ever have the correct change on hand?

• If the cellphone in my pocket rings while I am pumping gas into my car, will there be an explosion?

• How long can germs live on a gas pump handle?

• What is the proper etiquette when standing beside someone at a urinal and one’s cellphone rings “midstream”?

• Does it do any good to use a hand sanitizer dispenser when you then have to touch the germy doorknob in order to get out of the room where it is located?

• Will I ever get used to people who seem to be talking to themselves but actually are carrying on a phone conversation through an earpiece?

• WHY AREN’T THESE DAMN KIDS IN SCHOOL?