Sunday, May 20, 2012

A Road Trip to the Maine Coast: By The Numbers

As is sometimes my custom during the warm weather months, I made a trip to the coast this weekend.  And no, not all of Maine is on the coast!  Some of us have to drive to get there.  Despite the trek involved, it was absolutely beautiful, and just what the doctor ordered after a long, cold winter.  Instead of boring you with a blow-by-blow account of the trip, I thought that, with all due respect to Harper’s Index , it would be fun to throw out some statistics associated with it.

The pretty little inlet beside which I spent my day with a good book and a semi-comfy lawn chair.

·        Number of sunburned arms on my person: 1.
This is the consequence of driving with your arm out the window the whole way down, without first applying sunscreen.

·        Number of lighthouses seen: 2.
Neither was an actual working lighthouse, mind you.  They were both very large yard decorations.

·        Number of miles between the ocean and the closest lighthouse I saw to it: 84.4.
Evidently, the allure of the ocean grows stronger in the yard decorators the further they are from the ocean itself.  There’s probably one in every yard in places like Kansas.

·        Number of cents difference in price per gallon of gas between the stations in my town and those on the coast: 25.
The further south in Maine you go, the cheaper the gasoline.  I figure by the time you get down to Kittery, it must be free.

·        Number of fake corpses hanging from old satellite dishes: 1.
At least I hope it was a fake.  Halloween was a long time ago after all.

·        Number of 1982 Chevy Citations seen pulling out of a driveway: 1.
Those clunkers were lucky to survive the drive off the dealer's lot.  To see a working one 30 years later is a miracle.

·        Number of guys seen leaning over engines of vehicles with their hoods up: 4.
The number of nasty butt cracks seen (and that cannot be unseen) was also four, by the way.

·        Number of antique Esso gas station signs seen: 2.
Esso became Exxon in the United States some years ago.  One of these babies would probably fetch a ton of cash on one of those pawn store reality shows.

·        Number of dead animals seen along the road: 5.
A squirrel, a cat, a raccoon, and two birds.  The body count rises this time of year.

·        Number of squished bugs on my just-cleaned windshield: a billion jillion.
Probably more, actually.

·        Number of Memorial Day flower arrangement stands which were also selling seed “taters” (according to the signs): 2.
Remember to honor your dead and plant your Yukon golds, people!  Tis the season.

·        Number of towns named “Meddybemps” passed through: 1.
You just have to say that name over and over and over.  Well, I do at least.

·        Number of triple-murder scenes passed: 1.
Yes, it was nearly two years ago and yes, they caught the killer, but it still gives me the heebie-jeebies.

·        Number of speed traps successfully avoided: 3.
Words to the wise: keep it under the speed limit in the towns of Princeton and Baileyville.  Speeders are their primary municipal revenue source.

·        Number of topless women mowing the lawn seen: 1.
It was not nearly as exciting as you might think.  At all.  Trust me on this. *shudder*

·        Number of giant, electricity generating windmills spotted: about 8.
Maybe more.  I was driving, drinking soda and flipping between radio stations to find a clear signal for the Red Sox game at the time, so counting them all at that time was not a really safe option.

           Number of big bugs found crawling on my leg while driving: 1.
Number of big bugs I THOUGHT I felt crawling on my leg after that: 13.

·        Number of goats eating out of flower pots in someone’s yard: 2.
The number of batches of goats-head cheese being whipped up tomorrow at that residence is also likely going to be two.

·        Number of roads passed named “Suckertown Road”: 1.
I wonder if it leads to Las Vegas or Atlantic City?

·        Number of extra large sodas consumed by yours truly: 2.
·        Number of extra large pee breaks taken by yours truly: 3.
You’d think the above two statistics would have matched up better.

·        Number of Pearl Jam albums listened to on the way down to the coast: 2.5.
Vitalogy, Ten, and part of No Code, if you were wondering.

·        Number of innings of the Red Sox-Phillies game listened to on the way home: 5.
Sox win!  Sox win!

·        Number of turkey vultures seen eating carrion: 2.
Nasty, icky birds eating nasty, icky things.

·        Number of American bald eagles seen in flight: 2.
I don’t care where you come from, it’s a very impressive sight.  As far as my day was concerned, the eagles cancelled out the turkey vultures, even though they all eat the same kind of stuff.

·        Number of blog posts I milked out of this one trip: 1.
      For now, at least.


  1. Sounds like an excellent trip. Down here we are entering our long season of no going outside -- summer. It's already been in the 90's more than once. Surely there is someplace in the middle with reasonable weather.

  2. There's an approximately 15-foot tall lighthouse outside the Caribou High School's voc-tech center. Why, I have no idea but it's even farther to ocean from there than 84 miles (even to the Fundy coast in New Brunswick).