Sunday, June 3, 2012

A Memo from Cat Management

***You can imagine my surprise when I stumbled across this file on my hard drive.  Evidently, the cats are making use of my computer when my back is turned.***

To: Dexter, the new cat (hereafter referred to as “the newbie”)

From: Lefty and Shadow, the established cats (hereafter referred to as “management”)

Re: Integration into the Organization

Date: June, 2012

A week has passed since you were brought into this household, hereafter referred to in this memo as “the organization”, and without the prior approval of management it should be noted.  At this point, management would like to address some issues related to your current integration status.

Manager #1

Eating arrangements: The wait staff (humans who misguidedly refer to themselves as “the owners”) serve a portion of gushy wet food to each cat every morning and every evening, in addition to maintaining a bowl of crunchy food for all organization cats to dine upon at our leisure.  Be notified that it is considered extremely poor etiquette to eat one’s own portion, whatever management-assigned portions not yet consumed, and the whole bowl of crunchies, all within a five minute span.  The newbie is expected to eat his own portion of the gushy food, and nibble on small amounts of the crunchies throughout the day and night.  Under no circumstances is the newbie to consume, sniff, or even look at the gushy portions served to management.  A hiss, a growl, or possibly even a swipe of the claws will be administered to the newbie by management if this behavior does not change at once.

Restroom privileges: It has come to the attention of management that your use of the organization litterbox, hereafter referred to as “the restroom”, has been excessive and inappropriate.  Some of the bombs that the newbie has dropped in there and subsequently neglected to bury have been enough to curl the whiskers of both management and the wait staff.  It is advised that the newbie might consider laying off eating so much of the management’s food, and also consider adding some additional fiber to the diet in order to alleviate this problem.  Additionally, the newbie is hereby notified that burying one’s restroom output is not optional but mandatory, and must be done both consistently and well.  The wait staff has notified management that it cannot keep up with litterbox maintenance at the current rate, and it is running out of cans of spring rain-scented air freshener, which also makes a horrible hissing sound that management dislikes very much.

On a related note, wait staff has requested that management remind the newbie stay out of their assigned restroom when it is being used by them, as it bugs the hell out of them to have any organization cats in there at that particular time.

Manager #2

Leisure areas: There are a number of comfortable locations in this organization in which to spend one’s leisure.  Let the newbie be aware that management has first refusal on all laps, sunbeams, bedspreads, furniture, and windowsills.  Before the newbie may procure one of these locations for his own use, management must be notified in writing, in triplicate, via messenger pigeon, at least 90 days in advance.  Even upon approval, management reserves the right to remove the newbie’s sorry butt from said location without prior notification.  The soft brown fleece at the foot of the biggest bed is totally off limits to the newbie and is reserved exclusively for management at all times.

Recreational activities: This organization provides numerous options for recreation, such as toys, a scratching post, errant paper clips and writing utensils, dangling hands, trash cans, houseflies, and the occasional bird or squirrel outside the window.  Use of these recreational options is reserved for established members of the organization only, and is considered off-limits to the newbie, despite what the misguided wait staff may say at times.  Recreational options available to the newbie include dust bunnies and any ants that may occasionally find their way into the organization, as well as good old-fashioned imagination. Enjoy!

Managing Wait Staff: While the newbie is not considered “management”, he is still expected to assist the members of management in the direction of the wait staff, as they can be somewhat dim.  Immediately upon the breaking of dawn, all cats are expected to scratch and yowl outside the wait staff’s bedroom door without stopping until said wait staff rises and serves appropriate food.  Wait staff is then to be ignored until the newspaper is opened, during which time it is expected that at least one organization cat jump in the lap or sit on the paper itself in a demand for attention that is rightfully due.  Wait staff can then be ignored again until late afternoon, at which time all organization cats are to remain directly underfoot until another round of appropriate food is served.  At random times, it is expected that all organization cats will sleep on computer keyboards, scratch sofas, get tangled in electronics wiring, and vomit on bedspreads, as these gestures contribute endlessly to wait staff morale.  Let it be known, however, that rolling over onto one’s back for a “belly rub” is strictly forbidden in this organization.  Reports have been made to management that the newbie has engaged in this behavior often.

Guests: After much negotiation, wait staff has been allowed to have guests in the organization from time to time.  Upon arrival of these guests, all organization cats are expected to hide under a bed upstairs, with only the shed hair left behind on the furniture as an indication of their presence.  Management has been made aware that the newbie has been seen rubbing against the legs of guests and even sitting on laps.  This is unacceptable, and will be dealt with most swiftly and severely if it continues.

The Newbie

At this juncture, the newbie is put on notice that he is on 90-day double secret probation, during which time he may be punished or banned entirely from the organization by management without notice. In the unlikely event of successful completion by the newbie of the 90-day double secret probation, he will attain the new rank of “junior undersecretary to the minister of napping”, and will be afforded five minutes of leisure time daily on management’s soft brown fleece at the foot of the biggest bed. 

Any questions or concerns should only be addressed to the management via a note delivered by the organization’s messenger pigeon.   *BURP*


  1. It's been a week since your post, how is Dexter?

  2. It's touch and go, for the most part. Manager #1 seems to be cutting him a lot more slack and playing around with him, while Manager #2 is still leery and can only tolerate him in small doses.

  3. Great post. I'm sure we will eventually have to consider a third cat, for continuity purposes if nothing else, but the prospect of being outnumbered by them is slightly terrifying.