Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Contents of My Head: Erranding Edition

Monday, being my day off from work each week, is the day I get stuff done.  You know: errands, appointments, and that sort of thing.  This past Monday, I made a trip to the city of Bangor to accomplish some items on my to-do list, including a routine doctor’s appointment and getting a haircut, among other things.  As is my nature, my mind kept up with a running list of questions during the day.  Here are some:

  • What if people with obscene bumper stickers got caught in traffic in front of the president’s limousine or a motor coach full of nuns? Would they feel awkward?
  • What good does it do you to wear a surgical mask over your mouth in the doctor’s waiting room, but not over your nose?
  • Could this nurse who is squeezing this blood pressure cuff so damn tight actually beat me up if she wanted to?
  • Why is the office staff so shocked when I volunteer to pay my insurance co-pay before my appointment?
  • What awful things can be done to people who park in such a way as to take up two spaces?
  • At what age does one stop receiving a reward sticker after having behaved well while getting one’s blood drawn?
  • Do they secretly keep all the hair swept up off the floor at the hair cutting place and use it to make yarn or something?
  • How gross would that be?
  • How awful must it be to have a job where you are poking around strange people’s heads all day?
  • When, exactly, was the “oversized t-shirt and stretch pants look” a powerful fashion statement?
  • Does this lady cutting my hair appreciate that I chewed on an entire roll of wintergreen Certs just prior to my haircut, since I did eat a cheeseburger with onions for lunch?
  • Is the hair-cutting lady trying to come up with a tactful way to recommend “Just for Men” hair dye to me?
  • Why aren’t these kids in school?
  • How brave does a guy have to be to let a stranger shave his face with a razor?
  • Why is it that do they not let you see the menu items at the drive-thru until you are right in front of the speaker?
  • How come the one thing I am looking for at the electronics store is seemingly the one thing that they do not happen to have in stock?
  • Can I get this cheaper online?
  • Why are those Christmas decorations still up?
  • How come there are always several people standing directly in front of an item that I need to get?
  • Why are some people apparently opposed to the use of soap?
  • Or deodorant?
  • Seriously, why aren’t these kids in school?
  • Shouldn’t there be a law about people wearing shorts when the temperature is below freezing?
  • How am I supposed to know in which lane to drive if the paint is worn off the road and there is no sign?
  • Why do I never, ever, ever have the correct change on hand?
  • If the cellphone in my pocket rings while I am pumping gas into my car, will there be an explosion?
  • How long can germs live on a gas pump handle?
  • What is the proper etiquette when standing beside someone at a urinal and one’s cellphone rings “midstream”?
  • Does it do any good to use a hand sanitizer dispenser when you then have to touch the germy doorknob in order to get out of the room where it is located?
  • Will I ever get used to people who seem to be talking to themselves but actually are carrying on a phone conversation through an earpiece?

1 comment:

  1. Funny Stuff! Love the recurring "why aren't these kids in school?" line. And the drive-thru thing is spot on! I rarely go to such places, but when I do, I always get the same damned thing. Not because I like it, it's just the only thing I know is on the menu. Had I more time to decide, I might opt for the new Fish McBites or Taco Bell's chaluparitto