As a teenage boy in the 1980s, “Pour Some Sugar on Me” by Def
Leppard was required listening. I was,
and still am, a huge Def Leppard fan, and literally wore out my copy of Hysteria, the album from which the song
came.
From YouTube. Full disclosure: I used to wear jeans just like that. On purpose.
While the song is one of the great rock anthems of my youth, I can’t
say I join in its sentiment.
Essentially, it extols the virtues of confectionary ingredients as an
aid in intimate activities in the bedroom.
(Hey, this is a PG-13ish blog, so I had to be kind of obtuse in my
description.) As I am writing this, the 1985 song “Sugar
Walls” by Sheena Easton, which expresses a similar approach to
boom-chicka-wow-wow as Def Leppard’s, just came on the radio. Evidently, gooey love is a thing, or at least
it was in the 80s.
My problem is, I cannot
imagine anything LESS sexy than sugary love!
I hate stickiness! I really,
really do.
After exhaustive research on Google for nearly three minutes, I have determined that there is no
official phobia for fear of stickiness, so I am hereby dubbing it “stickiyuckyickychrisjusthatesitphobia”. Those of you with hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia will just have to deal with
it. (Google it.) There is a known
fear of slimy things, called myxophobia, and while slimy things aren’t very high on
my list either, they don’t rise to the level of stickiness.
Now mind you, I am not
obsessive-compulsive who stands at the sink for hours washing his hands. I just do NOT like to be sticky. If a utensil at a meal somehow becomes sticky
to hold, I exchange it immediately. If
my hands get even a little bit sticky during said meal, I get up and wash
them. I’ve done it several times in the
course of eating just a single cinnamon roll.
If I reach for something in the fridge and it is sticky, it gets rinsed
off at once, as do I. If I am working on
some kind of project, like painting for example, and paint gets on any part of
my skin, I cannot just leave it until later.
No way. I have to stop and go
scrub myself off. There are plenty of
sticky substances where I work at the animal hospital, but we wash A LOT, and I
keep extra clothing on hand at all times.
Like many things, my case of stickiyuckyickychrisjusthatesitphobia probably goes back to my
childhood. I’ve mentioned in a previous
post how my friends and I enjoyed getting high as kids. High up off the ground, that is. We were always climbing things to gain
as much altitude as possible. In the
wilds of northern Maine, we practically lived in trees as kids. It was one of many things we held in common
with monkeys. The thing is, many of
those trees we liked to climb were pine trees, which exude the stickiest sap,
called “pitch”, that you can imagine.
Pitch got on your skin and clothing and it just stayed there. No amount of scouring with regular soap and
water would get rid of it. I remember
how maddening it was to scrub and scrub and still be sticky. And my mother was so fed up with me ruining
my clothes with pitch that I actually had “tree-climbing clothes” as a subset
of my “play clothes”. Forbidding me to
stay out of trees was like trying to forbid clouds from raining.
Once I got so sticky on so many parts of me from climbing
pine trees one summer day that my mother sent me over to our neighbor Bob’s garage
to wash up. Neither she nor I could get
it off adequately, and it was driving me absolutely bonkers. Bob was an amateur mechanic (specializing in nerdy
little AMC Pacers and Gremlins for some unknown reason), and had high-powered
hand scouring substances that could take axle grease, pitch, and even some of
the skin right off you if you weren’t careful.
The stuff smelled a lot like motor oil, and the evil scent lingered for
hours after use. But it did the trick. Shortly after that, my mother inquired of Bob
what some of the less-lethal of those products were, and kept some on hand at
our house in case another pitch crisis occurred.
I don’t climb nearly as many trees these days, so pitch is
not the problem for me it once was, but I do a lot of hiking and snowshoeing in
deep woods. There are few things as
exasperating for me as being way out in the wilderness and putting my hand up
against a pitchy pine branch, and having to live with the sticky until I can
get back to a sink and some scouring stuff.
It’s a little embarrassing to admit, but I have actually cut a hike
short because I got pitch on my hands and couldn’t wait to scrub it off. And don’t even get me started about swatting
flies and mosquitoes with pitch-covered hands.
It’s disgusting.
Out to eat, I will actually avoid ordering certain things if
they have a high sticky quotient, no matter how much I like them. It’s one thing to run to the sink to wash
every few minutes in my own home, but quite another in a restaurant. It’s hard sometimes, because I am very fond
of some sticky things. A gooey Danish pastry
at Sunday brunch is hard to beat. A
juicy navel orange goes great on a hot summer afternoon, and a soft-shelled lobster
is one of the best culinary treats, especially here in Maine where they are as
fresh as you can get. Serve me one of
those messy suckers outside at a picnic table while I am draped in a tarp and
wearing goggles and rubber gloves, and I am good to go. Serve me one in a place where I can’t easily
wash up, and I’ll politely decline. I’ll
have the steak, thanks. With extra
napkins.
So if you and your sweetie like to take Def Leppard literally
in the boudoir, then more power to you.
Have fun. I’d need towels and a
bucket of soap and water nearby if it were me though.
Anyone have any Wet-Naps?
Stickiyuckyickychrisjusthatesitphobia is a
bitch.
Sticky isn't up there with spiders, but it's definitely not on my list of favorite things. I think a lot of people learned how unsexy it is after being inspired by 9 1/2 Weeks.
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